Girls just wanna have funbags

I’m seriously considering breast augmentation. I had nice boobs 60 pounds ago. I really miss them. My boyfriend says not to get implants for him; he likes me as I am. I’m doing this for me. I’m tired of bras that don’t fit (straps too short, cups too close), and I really want a bikini-worthy bod. What do men think of implants? I’m not talking about going majorly top-heavy; I just want balance. — Deflated

To your credit, you aren’t hoping to achieve “balance” by having a couple of bowling balls inserted. No, you’re thinking more along the lines of Zen and the Art of Bolting Two Tennis Balls to Your Chest.

It’s understandable, after weight training and Weight Watcher-ing yourself down to where you can wear a bikini instead of using it for an eye shield, that you’d like to fill it with “nice boobs.” According to hundreds of comments from men on my blog and elsewhere, those are probably the ones you have, even if they are on the small side. The consensus? Bought breasts tend to feel hard and unnatural, and (ew!) a bit cold to the touch. Sure, some guys love big honkers so much, they don’t mind if they’re fake. And, even guys who don’t like fake’uns will tell you they can look pretty boobtacular in a sweater. But, when they’re naked or peeking out from triangles of Lycra, they tend to look freaky and make guys wonder what’s wrong with you that you felt compelled to hire somebody to slit you open and insert sandwich baggies of salt water or silicone.

How much time, exactly, do you spend in a bikini?

Got a day job traveling to convention centers and sitting on top of cars? Is your workstation a greased pole? Keep in mind that all surgery has risks. You’re unlikely to die getting a little more junk in the top bunk, but you may suffer complications like a buildup of scar tissue, which can cause painful tissue contraction and — whoops! — deformed breasts. Mmmm, sexy! And then, like toupees and car tires, implants eventually need to be replaced. Maybe every 10 years; maybe more often if you’re one of the lucky ones who springs a leak. (Are we having funbags yet?) Still find yourself yearning for a surgeon’s touch? Do your homework, and be sure you can accept the worstcase scenarios; for example, how the advice by flight attendants — “Use caution when opening overhead compartments. Objects may shift in flight” — applies to those considering implants, which can also become displaced. In other words, if you buy yourself new boobs, you’re sure to have guys ogling them, but possibly just from the rear.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or e-mail her at [email protected] (www.advicegoddess.com).

© Copyright 2009 Amy Alkon