Boeing nowhere fast

I’ve been engaged to a girl for two years. For about two weeks, she’s been texting a sales guy she met through work, and the text messages are in the hundreds per day. I found out from our cell phone bill, then snooped on her phone. Last night when we were out, I read one when she went to the bathroom. It said “Want 2 go out of town w/me?” I didn’t see her response because I spotted her coming back and quickly returned her phone to her side of the table. She hasn’t been neglecting me lately; if anything, she’s been a little more loving. So, am I wrong for being suspicious? If not, how do I approach this without being a jerk in case nothing’s going on? — Unsettled

There are days when a guy needs to text a girl 15 or 20 times an hour — typically because he’s her gay best friend and it would mean so much to him to have her there the first time he gets his eyebrows string-plucked.

But, hundreds of messages a day? Assuming she works an eight-hour day, if she sends 200 texts during her work day, that’s 25 per hour, which means she’s texting the guy every 2.4 minutes. So, while there’s some tiny, electron-microscopic chance she isn’t cheating on you or about to, it’s clear she’s screwing her boss bigtime. And, come on, you’re a straight guy. Is there a girl in the world you have that much to say to — unless you’re scheming her into bed? And then, while I can’t get behind snooping, when you did snoop, the one message you saw was “Want 2 go out of town w/me?” Whaddya wanna bet his follow-up wasn’t “Oh, N where R my manners? B sure 2 invite ur fiance!”? A girl who’s serious enough about a guy to be engaged to him will make it clear to other guys that she’s off-limits; usually by starting sentences with “My boyfriend and I,” and long before some sales dude starts sending her sonnets about her breasts with all the vowels missing. Beyond that, being in a relationship with somebody, especially when you’re on the verge of making it a lifelong deal, means you put them first. Sure, you have friends of your own and stuff you do without your partner, but if you’re committing to one man, there’s something a little off if, during sex, you’re tempted to excuse yourself to the bathroom to see if you have any text messages from another.

Now, maybe this is just a last-ditch oatssewing before she becomes Mrs. Cleaver II, or maybe she has cold feet and is too big a jerk to do the decent thing and call a time out. Then again, maybe she just wants what she wants when she wants it. If you start by accusing her of cheating, she’s likely to deny it. Take a less confrontational approach — over a week or two, so you both have time to think — and discuss whether the two of you are really ready to get married, how you’ll both stay monogamous, and, oh yeah, does she have any idea whose number that is on pages one through 326 of the cell phone bill?

Sauvignon blank

My girlfriend’s drinking problem has progressed to where she’s blacking out during sex. She complains our sex life isn’t as frequent (it is; she just doesn’t remember). I’d like to continue our relationship, but I feel her becoming sober will create awkwardness, and her continuing to drink won’t be sexually satisfying. Can I still find love in an empty glass? — Forgotten

There comes a time when an alcoholic’s loved one must perform an intervention: “If only you’d suck down just half the Jim Beam bottle, sex would be much more fun for me.” No, never mind the likelihood that someone drinking to this extent will die — and take others with her in a fiery car crash. But, ask her “Was it good for you?” and hear “Was what?” and something’s gotta give. You might pretend there’s actually love in that glass, not just your self-interest doing a remarkably strong backstroke.

Try “motivational interviewing,” a technique often more successful than confrontation: Get her to talk about what she wants from life, later ask how that works with her drinking, and let her draw the obvious conclusions.

Enlist the support of her friends and family — ideally, by avoiding mention of what’s really troubling you, and focusing on how hair of the dog has become hair of the entire dog pound.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or e-mail her at [email protected] (www.advicegoddess.com).

© Copyright 2009 Amy Alkon