AMY ALKON

THEADVICEGODDESS

Under the cover of nightclub

I met an amazing guy – the kind I swore didn’t exist: thoughtful, caring and incredibly secure. He seemed to love me. We were together exactly nine months when he called and suggested we go dancing. Ten minutes after I arrived at the club, he broke up with me. He claimed he didn’t know what had happened, but he just couldn’t be with me anymore. I left, heartbroken – a complete wreck. I’ve had a history of going for men who treated me like crap, but he treated me incredibly well. The lesson I’ve gleaned? Even if a guy’s really good to you, you can’t trust him. Help! I don’t want to become some bitter, jaded old woman. —Devastated

Sometimes, treating a woman like crap comes with a substantial grace period. Sure, breakups happen, but a truly “thoughtful, caring” guy prepares you for what’s to come with “We’ve gotta talk” – not “Hey, Babe, put on your strappiest dress and meet me under the disco balls.”

What changed for him? Without drilling a hole into his brain and watching all the worker ants running around the factory, it’s hard to say. Maybe his feelings just fizzled, or maybe he was only up for romancing you into a relationship and not the relationship itself.

Ask yourself whether it’s actually out of character for Mr. Wonderful to rather cruelly and abruptly transform into Mr. I’ll Be Wandering Off Now. Getting impatient in your search for a great guy can lead you to stick a bag over the head of a sorta-great guy or even a not-so-great guy and insist you’ve got your man. Your therapeutic professional would call this “confirmation bias” – favoring information that confirms some belief you hold and shoving away any information that doesn’t. So, maybe you tell yourself that a man’s treated you really well when he just treated you to some romantic dinners and did some of those nice boyfriend things like bringing you flowers and repairing your garden hose.

Any guy can learn to do that sort of stuff by reading “10 Ways To Make A Woman Cross-Eyed With Lust For You” in any number of men’s magazines. To figure out whether a man is more than the sum of his smooth moves, look at whether he’s compassionate, whether he shows empathy – for you and others – and especially when he doesn’t think anybody’s looking. Of course, getting to the truth takes being okay with the truth — even if it ends up setting you a lot freer than you wanted to be. Since it’s always possible the candles and moonlight are a prelude to the track shoes, it’s best to live with the hope that love will last but without the expectation that it will. That’s probably the single best way to avoid becoming that “bitter, jaded old woman.” Then again, somebody’s got to take care of all the neighborhood’s stray cats.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or e-mail her at [email protected] (www.advicegoddess.com). © Copyright 2009 Amy Alkon