AMY ALKON
THE ADVICE GODDESS
Will you still shove me tomorrow?
I’m in a relationship that feels like it could last, but I’m afraid of ending up like my parents: constantly bickering over minutiae, snarling at each other from other rooms, and slamming doors. The thing is, my boyfriend and I are already starting to fight over the stupidest stuff! —Worried
Before you know it, you’re thinking, “What was it, a year ago, he was promising me the moon, and now he can’t even bring home the right freaking pepper?!” Being annoying is the human condition. But, the partner who will be most annoying is one you only find halfway hot – somebody you have the hots for physically but whose character flaws and incompatibilities you ignore. You basically need to have a crush on a partner as a human being (have deep respect and even admiration for who he is and how he goes about life). Being human, he’ll do things that would annoy a Buddhist monk who could relax for an afternoon in a tank of fire ants. If you have the hots for him all around, it’s far less likely that the things you dream of doing to him in bed will involve strangling or blunt force trauma.
You should also make sure your partner isn’t your second greatest love, after your love of being right. The more relationship research I read, the more essential an overall positive sentiment seems. For example, researcher Shelly Gable found that the happiest relationships involve partners who make sacrifices for each other – because they love and want to support their partner, and not as some sort of investment to avoid conflicts or keep from losing them.
Each time you snap at each other, you hack a little chunk out of your relationship. Before long, snapping becomes the culture of your relationship, and you become your snarly parents. It helps to make a pact that you won’t act like you’ve forgotten you love each other. Of course, there will probably be times you slip and get nasty. What’s important is not letting yourselves stay nasty. Not for a minute. Not even for 30 seconds.
If you do have deep friendship, there’s a good chance you’ll vault yourselves out of the feel-bad situation with the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples – “the repair attempt.” This is something you say or do, maybe even something silly like making a face you know will crack your partner up, that defuses the tension and keeps the argument from getting out of hand. This is essential, since a couple’s success in preventing negativity from escalating when they argue is one of the primary factors in whether a marriage lasts – and not in the sense that your parents’ has: “Please help us celebrate our 30 years – of nonstop screaming, door slamming, and vicious putdowns. Dinner and character assassination, followed by dancing.”
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or e-mail her at AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). © Copyright 2009 Amy Alkon
