AMY ALKON

THE ADVICE GODDESS

Menopause in the heterosexuality

I’m a 56-year-old married woman, and as far as I can tell, I’ve been happily heterosexual all my life — until recently. For the past year, I’ve been thinking about a woman until I can no longer think about anything else. We’re both married to men, and she’s a pretty prominent member in our community whom I’ve long respected, so there are also elements of danger and hero worship here. I should add that I haven’t been in an intimate relationship for a long time, as my husband was an alcoholic who’s now recovering. But, when my desire returned, it wasn’t for him; it was all for her! I have no idea what’s happening. ARGGGH! I think I love her! —Uh-Oh!

I’m sure this woman is all that and a bag of Indigo Girls CDs, but she’s also a convenient distraction from your difficult marriage already in progress. Of course, getting high on the prospect of forbidden love beats getting over to a marriage counselor: “It’s raining, it’s pouring, my marriage is boring!” Every time you moon over this woman, you’re giving your brain’s motivation and reward centers a hit of the feelgood neurotransmitter dopamine. Anthropologist Helen Fisher explains in “Why We Love”: “When a reward is delayed, dopamine-producing cells in the brain increase their work, pumping out more of this natural stimulant to energize the brain, focus attention, and drive the pursuer to strive even harder to acquire a reward.”

You get out of a habit the same way you get in:

through repetition. Every time you don’t let yourself think about this woman, it’ll be a little easier to not think about her the next time. Have a substitute program at the ready: Recite the Cyrillic alphabet, run through the 50 states and their capitals, and move on to Canada if need be… This brain retraining will be really hard at first, and seem stupid and futile, but it should eventually take if you keep at it. And you do need to keep at it. Only when you stop being the lab rat pushing the little bar for the hit of middle-aged married woman will you have clarity on why looking at your husband sends you into a heterosexually vegetative state.

Now, maybe you are a lesbian late bloomer, bi-curious, or just bored-curious. But, it’s possible that you’re simply angry and resentful and maybe worried that your husband will go back on the sauce. While men can have sex without an emotional connection, women generally need to feel emotionally close to their partner first. You won’t figure out what your deal is by chasing this woman around the hors d’oeuvres table, but by taking a hard look at the man and the marriage you still have. You may need to forgive him in order to want him again. Or, you may need him to be a chick. In which case…sayonara. As successful as many people are in going to A.A. meetings and “humbly asking God to remove their shortcomings,” it’s best if those shortcomings are things like impulsivity and anger issues — not testicles.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or e-mail her at AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).

© Copyright 2009 Amy Alkon