The woman who mistook her sinkhole for a boyfriend

I’m thinking of postponing my wedding. My fiance seems incapable of being apart from me. We dated long distance, so I didn’t realize the extent of his clinginess until we moved in together. If I want some “me time,” he gets offended. If I don’t stand or sit next to him or cuddle with him, he claims I don’t like him. If I eat lunch with a friend instead of him (as I do daily), he’s upset. Even when we spend time with my family, there are repercussions (moping and drama when we get home). I do try to take his upbringing into consideration. His parents divorced when he was 9, and neither wants much to do with him or his brother. Initially, I found his behavior sweet as in, “How cute that my fiance wants to come with me to the grocery store or to buy shoes,” but now I’m thinking, “Hey, Crazy, calm down, I’ll see you tonight, and I can go to the store without you.” —Smothered

Even an emotionally together person can feel a little pang when their partner’s going away for a time — like, to Europe for a week, not to Rite-Aid for a box of tampons.

Other women betray their partners by having illicit sex.

You only have to have illicit lunch (eat a burger with somebody who isn’t him). Grab a little alone time, and it’s like you’re slutting around on him — with yourself. For him and his unresolved issues, every day is the first day of nursery school: ìMommeeee, don’t leave meee!î On the plus side, he’s probably potty-trained to the point where he wears boxers instead of Huggies Pull-Ups. You might end up giving birth to a clingy child, but you sure shouldn’t marry one. In a healthy relationship, two fully functioning adults come together; they aren’t bolted together. They stay together because they love each other — meaning they respect and admire each other, have more fun together, and are better together than alone. What you have isn’t love, but a guy dressing up pathological need in a love suit and manipulating you with cuddly-wuddly coerciveness: ìJust stay and snuggle — or I’ll pout till the end of time.î You’ve got a choice: live with constant conflict or avoid seeing your family and friends — or doing anything that’ll trigger his abandonment issues, like going to the mailbox or the ladies’ room.

Hang with crazy long enough, and it can start to seem normal — to the point where you’re only thinking of postponing your wedding instead of mapping out routes to flee.

Even if your fiance wanted to change (and it seems he hasn’t yet been motivated), he isn’t going to become a full, independent person in six months or a year. It’s probably tempting to try to make it work and make allowances for his past, but just picture yourself once his neediness has not only the force of habit from your putting up with it, but a state license behind it. Sure, you can always get divorced — that is, if you can figure out the combination to get out the front door.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or e-mail her at AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). © Copyright 2009 Amy Alkon