The love bloat

Are we fighting human nature in trying to be monogamous? I’m dating a guy I dated five years ago. Back then, he was sexually inexperienced. Now that he’s been around the block, he totally disagrees with monogamy and wants us to have a sexually open relationship. I’m very open-minded and have no problem with people in these relationships, but they’re not for me. We can’t discuss the issue because he gets so defensive and riled up, civil conversation is impossible. He accuses me of looking down on him and finding him “disgusting,” which I don’t. He almost has me convinced that the only successful relationships are the open ones, and that I’m one of a minority of people who want monogamy. — Turned Around

Yes, the suburbs are just teeming with wives calling to their husbands as they’re going out the door for work: “Honey, want me to TiVo your dinosaurs thing in case your sex date runs long?” Actually, it seems clear that vast numbers of people are having sex with somebody other than their partner or spouse. They just do it behind that person’s back, as did the then-married Newt Gingrich, who was probing Clinton about lying about l’affaire Lewinsky when he wasn’t too busy probing his naked congressional aide. Other married cheaters will roll out of a motel room bed, then snarl about how horrible and disgusting it is for other consenting adults to have sexually open relationships: those where partners honestly confront the fairytale notions that one person can meet another person’s every need; that two people can remain together “till death do us part,” and not get to the point where keeping the spark alive is a job for a Panty Bomber-load of PETN explosive.

Are you in a relationship or a really tiny cult? You’ve made it clear the open thing just isn’t for you. If your boyfriend cared about you, he’d say, “Aw, gee whiz, wish you felt differently,” and probably be on his way. But, he’s determined to have his cake and a bunch of other people’s cake, too, so he’s trying to bully and head-game you into believing you’re small-minded and boring. He’s got you so sidetracked defending yourself against bogus charges (looking down on him, finding him “disgusting”) that you’re on your way to glancing up from your relationship and finding that you’re no longer part of a couple but a face in the crowd. Ditch this guy and find one who’s open to discussing your needs — beyond how you’ll need to let him keep the key to your heart in a cabinet he bought off somebody running a valet parking concession.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or e-mail her at AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).

© Copyright 2009 Amy Alkon