House swarming
Six months ago, after my boyfriend and I had been together a year, we started living together. We’re in our late 20s. Shortly after I moved in, he asked if another couple, his friends, could move in with us so they’d save some money. I said yes — on the understanding that they’d be out by early 2010. My boyfriend soon started hanging with them constantly and ignoring our relationship. I pointed out that we needed our alone-time. He made excuses and showed that he had no intention of making time for us. I hid my unhappiness, but finally had to sit him down and tell him what needed to change. Several days later, he said he wanted to take a break, and I should move out — although the problem couple can afford to leave but are using him for cheap rent. He offered to help me move. I told him I think our situation is fixable with a little effort and understanding. — Hurt
Never mind that your boyfriend’s slacker friends needed a cheap crash pad. Moving in with your girlfriend and immediately moving in your friends is like booking the honeymoon suite and asking, “Oh, yeah, can we get a cot for my mom?” Of course, this ended up working out perfectly for him and his friends. They’re using him for cheap rent; he’s using them for a cheap breakup. It’s the passive-aggressive breakup, where you don’t bother telling somebody their girlfriend or boyfriend services are no longer wanted; you just make them so miserable they stop dreaming of you and start dreaming of U-Haul.
Your boyfriend may have “yeah, okay, cool”-ed you on moving in together, but panicked when two toilet brushes became as one. Maybe one small step for man started looking like one giant step toward married-kind. Okay, fine, this is stuff a couple has to work through — or discover they can’t. But, thanks to what may have started as a misguided act of charity, he’s always had an out: “Why try to resolve the conflict when I can take advantage of these conveniently located human shields?”
Oh, he offered to help you move? How sweet. You’ll be out of his life in half the time! And do go. It’s possible he’ll miss you and want you back. But, do you really want him? He’s been hostile, unloving and unkind. His “taking a break” is probably another easy way out: “Here, have some false hope!” (Anything to keep from mopping your tears off the linoleum.) Your big concern should be how you treated you. Like many 20-something women, you were probably too accommodating, from letting these people move in to hiding your unhappiness. The answer isn’t being difficult, but standing firm on what does and doesn’t work for you: Yes, to entering into a more committed relationship, no to managing a very small Holiday Inn. Maybe, to living in a house that’s haunted, but with more traditional “free spirits” — the kind that fly around in bedsheets saying “Wooo!” and when they do make stuff disappear, it isn’t always all your beer.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or e-mail her at AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).
© Copyright 2009 Amy Alkon
