Acts to comfort breast cancer patients

A close family friend who was lovingly known as “Aunt B” died after a long and difficult battle with breast cancer. She and my mom were the closest of friends; she was at every holiday, birthday and cookout, and it was without a second thought that my brother was named after her late son. From the day she was diagnosed to the day she lost her fight, my mom was by her side. It was truly a journey of its own to see how the challenges of breast cancer affected those who loved the person it claimed. Supporting a loved one with a cancer diagnosis can be difficult, rewarding and everything else in between, but it’s also one of the most meaningful acts of love.

It’s a familiar experience to many: knowing someone who has received a breast cancer diagnosis. Initially, it might seem shocking and overwhelming – trying to find the right words or appropriate sentiments to offer your friend or loved one. It is not uncommon to have a strong desire to help in some way, but not know how. Whether a close friend or a family member, there are a number of ways in which to play a supportive role and being a source of positivity and encouragement.

One of the most important acts of support is simply being present. There may not be a particular errand, gift, meal or word you can offer for every emotion that arises during this difficult time, but by being involved and keeping in touch, you are offering some stability, consistency and safety. It’s important to be attentive and connect at times that are best for the other person, as a cancer diagnosis comes with a great deal of uncertainty and fear. There may be urges to bring food, stop by or call to check in, but be sure to follow their lead and accommodate their schedule.

When you do drop in for a visit or connect over the phone, it can be difficult to know what to say. Instead of offering unsolicited advice or newly researched information about treatment options or symptoms of their diagnosis, simply try to be patient and listen. Actively listening involves whole-hearted attention and signals to let the other person know they are being heard. Recognize what your friend or loved one is telling you by paraphrasing what you hear or giving them a gentle nod or other body language gesture to convey you have heard them. If they are having a difficult time talking, ask openended questions that allows them to have the space to answer in their own way and in their own time. Never rush or push for conversation, they may simply appreciate the company.

For some, talking about the diagnosis or treatment is not a desirable topic of conversation. This is a case of knowing what to say and what not to say. For these particular types of people, try discussing things that you know they enjoy or bring them happiness. Sometimes a sense of normalcy goes a long way.

Others may feel differently. They may want to express their emotions and their reactions to knowing about their breast cancer. They may be angry or sad or even inconsolable. No matter what they share – give them the space and allow them to. Always validate their feelings and try not to pacify or dismiss them. Much like with grief or loss, people go through stages of accepting, denying, bargaining and fighting the news of cancer. It is so important to simply walk through those stages alongside them and not try to lead the way.

Supporting a loved one with breast cancer can, of course, mean offering any kind of help. This can include bringing over food, running errands, helping with household duties or giving your loved one a ride to a doctor’s appointment. Be available, as flexible as possible and follow through with any offer you make. In some cases, there may be a full-time caregiver who helps with many of those suggestions – it can be just as meaningful to offer the same help to them as well.

Dealing with cancer can be a very personal experience. This means that it can be unique to every individual, and everyone processes things differently.

Being a source of support and love to them means exactly that – supporting and loving, oftentimes in the ways you always have. Don’t hesitate to hug, kiss, laugh and cry the way both of you did before because it’s those small moments that will mean the most.

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For more information on breast cancer and how to help, go to The American Cancer Society’s website, www.cancer.org.