Overheard ... He’s a self-made man with plenty of his wife’s alterations.

My friends stopped dating and are now intimidating.

My buddy had luck in both marriages. The first one left ... the second one won’t.

I keep telling people I’m not short, I’m vertically challenged.

“If I had known I’d live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.” – Almost all men

Advice: Wash everything on the gentle cycle. It’s more humane.

Overheard: “My wife can’t cook; she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.”