Got a friend who’s a bore? He gets offended when others talk while he’s interrupting.

If you never take advice, you’ll never have anyone to blame things on.

Mark Twain: “If man could be crossed with a cat it, would improve man but ruin the cat.”

Three ways to redistribute wealth ... taxes, wives and kids.

Nature cures, but the doctor sends the bill.

Half the world wonders why it takes so long for the other half to dress.

The best time for a guy to marry is when his education is finished or he’s ready for it to begin.

One thing about smart bombs ... They know where Iraq is, which is more than most Americans.

It’s going to be a very bad day if your wife turns out to be your blind date.

Worth repeating: One thing about church … you’re never too bad to come in, and you’re never too good to stay out.