You know you are getting too old when by the time you’ve lit the last candle on the birthday cake, the first one has burned out.

To the cops ... “It was really an accident. I had the right of way, but he had the truck.”

The only child next door isn’t completely useless. You can use him as a bad example for your children.

Overheard: “Our son is going to LSU. We’re from California and wanted him to go to UCLA but that meant another letter for him to remember.”

Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

It’s fast ... 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. The other half in death. No way you can win.

Medical science is great. Now, no matter what’s wrong with you, you’ll live long enough to pay the bill.

Pedestrian ... A man who has two cars: one for his wife and one for his children. He walks.

A woman’s dress should be like a barbed-wire fence ... serving its purpose without obstructing the view.