The judge: “Members of the jury, have you made a decision?” Jury: “We have, your honor. We find the gorgeous, sexy woman who stole the jewelry not guilty.”

Girlie talk: “I hear she’s got rid of nearly 200 pounds recently.” “Yeah, she kicked her husband out.”

Teacher to sharp student: “Put ‘defeat,’ deduct,’ ‘defense’ and ‘detail’ into one sentence.” Student . . . “Defeet of deduck gets under defence before detail.”

“I asked my wife what she’d like for a birthday present. She said just something with diamonds, so I gave her a pack of playing cards.

Cop to female driver: “I just marked you at almost 60.” Speeding driver: “That’s ridiculous. It’s these clothes. They always make me look older.”

“Rome declined because it had a Senate. What can happen to this country with a Senate and a House?” - Will Rogers

Overheard: “My baby brother was sent from heaven. They couldn’t take the noise up there.”

“For every problem there is a solution which is single, clear and wrong.” - H.L. Mencken.