Learning to have an effective dialogue

Family love

If you have a teenager in your home, you are familiar with your questions being answered in one word sentences that only consist of one syllable. Better dialogue can occur by changing the way we ask questions. Be encouraged that you and your teen can learn to dialogue with one another in an effective way.

To better parent a teen, let’s first talk about communication. Let us think about how we ask questions; how we react; ways to communicate. Sometimes our questions may seem vague to a teen and in turn they may give vague answers. The idea is to ask questions that don’t allow vague answers.

Be specific with your questions. Never ask questions that can be answered with a yes or a no. Rather, start your questions with, “Tell me …,” “How,” “What.” If you still get a cut-off answer, ask, “What specifically do you mean?” Defuse your questions. Many times teens think that when a parent is asking questions they are trying to find out information about something they did wrong. Say something like this, “You might think I am want to know every little thing you do and I do not want to sound like the FBI, but I am sorry I just love you and want to know about what’s up in your life. Tell me about your favorite class and your favorite teacher.”

Use humor and laughter which always helps with communication and opens up an avenue of conversation with a teen. By using humor or laughter, we can change the way our teens see us. Work on finding funny things to share with your teen.

Think of thought-provoking questions that do not have anything to do with immediate family situations. Think about what is going on in the world and ask questions concerning our society such as, “What do you think about the presidential candidates? Which candidate would you vote for and why?” Usually questions can be easier asked when you and your teen are in the car together. At home the teen can retreat to his room or go outside to get away. Use the car opportunities to connect with your teen.

Say what you have to say in as few a words as possible. Your teen will not hear but a few words from a thousand point lecture. So keep it simple and short.

Use other ways to communicate – write a letter. Use this form of communication if you want to convey praise, encouragement or a concern.

Just don’t use it every time you want to communicate something.

Ask your son or daughter to go to a movie with you to create topics of discussion between the two of you.

Talk with your teen about what he is learning in his class at church and share some things you are learning in your Bible study class. Pray out loud for your teen. It will encourage him and make him stronger spiritually and morally.

Move away from the “being mean” approach to a discipline situation. Discipline should be about what will happen if your teen breaks one of your rules. Make your expectations clear and the consequences concrete. Do not veer from this rule. Do not yell or scream. If your teen has been asked to do a certain chore and he refuses, in a very calm voice say something like this, “You can choose to not take out the trash, but you will suffer the consequences.” Remind him what those consequences are and carry them out. When you learn to move away from the anger and the raising of the voice at these times, your teen will soon learn how to conduct himself out in the world. Remember you are teaching your teen how to handle adult life and his future place of employment. Think of these times as the training ground for your teens future successes in his adult life.

Remember that the teen brain has the development is more child-like than adult-like. The brain of an individual takes about 24 years to mature fully. You may have to repeat the rules and consequences more than once for your teen to “get it.” Remember too, that as you purposely plan not to lose your cool and handle discipline in the above manner, you are, also, teaching your teen how to handle his temper now and in the future.

Pat yourself on the back when you succeed in communicating well with your teen and when it does not go well, try, try again. Say something like, “Son, help me here. I am trying not to lose my cool” and/ or “Son, I am your biggest fan in the whole wide world and I love you. I want you to know that and I want you to learn to make right choices.”

It is never too late to start the dialogue.

It may be slow going at first, but keep trying. Deliberately stay cool and collected and put the responsibility on your teen to do what he should do.

Dianne Glasgow is a family and child specialist at the LSU AgCenter in Caddo Parish.

Teen Talk. Never give up. Always keep trying to communicate with your teen.

She can be reached at dglasgow@agcenter.lsu.edu, 226-6805 or 464-2552.