Halloween enthusiasm gone amok
There comes a point when creativity and enthusiasm go too far. This week’s recipe, reprinted from an article written by my late wife, Julianne Glatz, in 2014, is an example of something that might be a bit close to the intersection of cool and creepy. Her Witch’s Fingers look convincingly like something you might receive in a surprise package from the Russian Mafia!
But our best example of “creativity and enthusiasm gone amok” is the story of our legendary Third Grade Halloween Party.
When Julianne was a child her folks hosted a big Halloween party for her third grade class. As each of our three children reached the third grade, we carried on the family tradition and hosted a big Halloween bash for each of them. These parties were elaborate and provided us a big blank canvas for self-expression. Each successive party got more complex. Julianne would prepare the refreshments and I would create the spooky environment. By the time Ashley, our youngest, reached the third grade, we had gotten spookiness down to a science. That year, however, we overshot the target.
At the back of our property is a big farm shed. This is where we set up the Halloween treats and games. I decorated the building’s interior with flickering, dancing skeletons and dangling spiders. Our “witch’s cauldron” was filled with dry ice and backlit by a green spotlight. The “Spooky Sounds” CD was ready to play.
Alongside the shed was a pine grove and beyond that, an acre and a half of woods. Inside the pine grove I made a straw bale circle for storytelling. I would distribute candlelit jack-o’-lanterns to illuminate the pine grove. I created a meandering haunted “nature” trail leading from the pine grove into the woods to continue playing out the scary story line.
Along the trail I dug a grave, lined it with a tarp and blanket, and piled up leaves along its side. Papa, Julianne’s grandfather, volunteered to be the corpse arising from the dead. My dental lab made him a special denture with two long, sharp fangs. The plan was to have him lie down in the grave, cover him with leaves and have him rise up when he heard the children approaching. As my walk in the woods with the children continued, they would encounter bats, spiders and ghosts hanging from the trees above. The trail led to the outside doors of the cold, damp cellar. Waiting in the cellar for the children would be a scary witch (our oldest daughter, Anne) with bowls of eyeballs (peeled grapes), intestines (cold cooked mostaccioli) and brains (actual veal brains).
“It was a dark and stormy night,” I began. I paused and slowly stared down into the eyes of the innocent children sitting on the straw bales assembled around me in the pine grove. The flickering candlelight cast by the jack-o’- lanterns cast mysterious shadows across their faces. The effect was very spooky and I was quite proud of myself. I continued my story and noticed one of the children was acting a bit edgy and I realized I was scaring the bejeebers out of this little girl. She had started freaking out and hyperventilating. So I did the only sensible thing a father could do: I carried the terrified child into the shed so my wife could deal with her.
I returned to the pine grove and rounded up the suddenly quiet and nervous children and led them into the haunted forest. Inside the forest we heard a rustling of leaves. I shined the flashlight towards the noise. Suddenly there was a commotion, and the Scary Vampire rose up from the grave and smiled at them with his long pointy fangs. It was a truly wonderful dramatic effect. I was feeling quite proud… until I noticed the telltale signs of yet another child about to have a panic attack. So I quickly ushered the rest of the kids into the cellar for their story time with the Scary Witch and carried the second traumatized child to my wife once again.
I started smelling wisps of smoke.
It was reminiscent of the smell of Christmastime at Grandma’s when she burned pine incense cones in the chimney of her little log cabin. As I approached the pine grove, the flickering candlelight coming from the jack-o’-lanterns was casting a different glow than earlier. HOLY @#%&! A pumpkin had fallen over and the candle had caught the pine needles on fire! This was pre-cellphone. Did I try to put the fire out myself or run into the house to call the fire department?
It was at that exact time that the mother of the first traumatized child drove in. I knew this would not look good. I appealed to her not to overanalyze the current situation, but to please run into the shed and ask my wife to call 911. And to also recruit volunteers to help me put out the fire. We started stomping out the burning pine needles. I ran for the hose. Our neighbor brought her fire extinguisher. The flames were getting dangerously close to low-hanging branches. The pine grove was about to catch on fire like a dry Christmas tree.
I managed to connect a couple hoses and successfully put down the fiery insurgency.
Meanwhile, the remaining 18 children were ensconced in the musty farmhouse cellar with the Scary Witch, whose 10-minute story time had stretched into its 40th minute. The sirens of the three fire engines pulling in the driveway drowned out the frantic cries of the remaining third-graders being sequestered in the musty cellar.
Even after all the commotion, I think everyone had a spooky, fun Halloween. Happy Halloween to one and all!
Witch’s Fingers • 1/2 lb. sharp orange-colored cheddar
cheese, grated or chopped. Do not use pre-grated cheese. • 1/4 c. (4 T.) unsalted butter, at room temperature • 1 1/4 c. unbleached all-purpose flour • 1 T. Worcestershire sauce • 1/2 tsp. dry mustard • 1/2 tsp. salt • Pinch of cayenne pepper • Blanched whole almonds • Gel food coloring of your choice for the almond “nails” The dough can be made in a food processor, by hand or in a mixer. If using a food processor, let the cheese come to room temperature, then coarsely chop it. If using a mixer or making by hand with forks or a pastry blender, chill the cheese before grating it finely, then let it come to room temperature before proceeding.
Combine all the ingredients. Mix until a smooth dough is formed.
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Using about 1 ½-2 tablespoons of dough for each finger, roll each piece of dough into a cylinder roughly the size of a large man’s finger. The thickness of the fingers should depend in part on the size of your almonds; larger almonds will look best with thicker fingers. As well, fingers that are too thin can easily break. They will expand somewhat during baking.
Making sure the pointed end is the fingernail tip, at the top of the cylinder, press an almond into the dough. Part of the almond should extend beyond the tip of the finger. With your fingernail or the tip of a paring knife, make a few shallow indentations a bit below the almond nail, and again further down the finger to resemble the finger joints. Gently squeeze between the joints to make the fingers appear bony. It’s fine – actually good – if the fingers are somewhat irregular so that they look gnarled.
Place the fingers on a baking sheet and bake about 12 minutes or until they are firm but not browned, then cool completely on a rack.
Using a small paintbrush, paint the almond nails with gel coloring. If you are unfamiliar with color gels, experiment on a sheet of paper first to help get the hang of it.
Serve or store in an airtight container after the gel coloring has dried.
Contact Peter Glatz at docglatz@gmail.com.
