Curses, foiled again

Juan Aguirre, 21, broke into Cirilla’s sex shop in Salina, Kan., and made off with six X-rated DVDs — or so he believed. Police who stopped him for questioning said his backpack contained a sledgehammer head attached to a rope that he used to shatter Cirilla’s door glass. The six DVD cases turned out to be empty. The store had removed the discs to use the cases for a display. (The Smoking Gun) After his ex-girlfriend kicked him out of her house in Malone, N.Y., Clyde Gardner, 57, decided the best revenge was to kill a bear, skin it, don the pelt and use the claws to maul the woman when she took out the garbage. He abandoned that plan, according to Franklin County prosecutor Elizabeth Crawford, and instead hired a friend to kill her in a car crash. The friend promptly notified police, and Gardner wound up taking a plea deal to serve 5 to 15 years in prison. (Associated Press)

Ladder-lifting days are done

Since qualifying for disability, North Shore, Wis., firefighter Aaron Marjala has competed in at least seven marathons and one triathlon. “I can’t raise a ladder. There’s stuff I can’t do,” Marjala acknowledged. “I have minor limitations, but it doesn’t stop me from getting out and enjoying stuff like this.” The injury that led to the state’s declaring him “permanently disabled” occurred when Marjala bumped his elbow on the kitchen countertop at the firehouse, damaging his ulnar nerve and causing numbness in his pinky finger. Eight months later, he banged the same elbow on a ladder, re-injuring his ulnar nerve and requiring surgery. When he hadn’t been medically cleared to return to his job after a year of light duty, he was encouraged to resign or file for duty disability. Just 28, Marjala chose the latter and receives $50,000 a year, tax-free, and free health insurance for life. (Milwaukee’s WITI-TV)

Better dead than red

The world’s largest sperm bank no longer welcomes donors with red hair. “There are too many redheads in relation to demand,” said Ole Schou, director of Denmark’s Cryos, which sends its semen to more than 65 countries worldwide. The only place where sperm from red-haired donors is in demand, Schou said, is Ireland, where it sells “like hot cakes.” (Britain’s The Telegraph)

Chewing gum blues

Alberta’s Elsie C. Pawlow is seeking $100,000 in damages because she “suffered depression for approximately 10 minutes” when her chewing gum stuck to her dentures. In her suit against the maker of Stride gum, the Edmonton resident stated the gum “falls apart into little pieces and sticks to the dentures.” Her claim describes having to “dig out” the pieces of gum from her dentures, a procedure she termed “disgusting.” (Canada’s QMI Agency)

Compiled from the nation’s press by Roland Sweet. Authentication on demand.