Evidence of disobedience
Canadian federal prison officials confiscated 2,444 forbidden items during searches of nine British Columbia prisons, ranging from homemade weapons and intoxicants (including fermented ketchup) to a new Michelin snow tire and a crab trap. Among other items seized: 30 cellphones, a homemade cellphone charger, a case of Fig Newtons, a kilo of bacon, four pounds of raw chicken and a cooked turkey breast complete with stuffing and cranberries. Most of the items smuggled into cells are “throw overs” at perimeter fences of the prisons, according to director of provincial corrections operations Terry Hackett.
Going too far
Four men in ski masks ambushed a man and his girlfriend sitting in a pickup truck, then drove them to the man’s house in Miami, Fla. Police said they took the man inside, beat him up and tied up him, his wife, his mother and two children while they ransacked the house. Before leaving with cash and jewelry, they brought in the girlfriend and introduced her to the man’s wife, then left her with the others. (Miami’s WPLG-TV)
Perfectionist follies
Rhiannon Brooksbank-Jones, 19, showed her commitment to Korean Studies at Britain’s University of Sheffield by having her tongue surgically lengthened to improve her Korean pronunciation. The lingual frenectomy, which involves cutting a flap of skin that connects the tongue to the bottom of the mouth, lets her make sounds she couldn’t before. “My pronunciation was very foreign,’” she said, “but now I can speak with a native Korean accent.” (Britain’s Daily Mail)
Clog crazy
New Orleans authorities reported that William Goetzee, 48, being held for assaulting a federal marshal, committed suicide by suffocating himself with toilet paper. Investigators said Goetzee had been observed swallowing toilet tissue in his cell throughout the day, despite a deputy’s having been assigned to watch him. (New Orleans’s WWL-TV)
Advances in asshology
Scientists have created an artificial sphincter to combat fecal incontinence, which “because of degenerated or weakened internal anal sphincter has a high incidence rate in aging populations.” They reported in the journal Gastroenterology that they developed the “cellurized anal sphincter” by combining human muscle cells with mouse nerves, then growing them on a circular scaffold to make replacement sphincter rings. They implanted the lab-grown rings in mice, where they performed as intended. The team foresees developing the prosthesis for humans. (USA Today)
Dateless in Seattle
A Seattle police patrol reported spotting Nicholas L. Davis lying face up on a basketball court, exposing himself and “masturbating violently.” When the officer asked Davis to explain himself, Davis told him, “There just isn’t enough free love in Seattle.” (Seattle Post-Intelligencer) Compiled from the nation’s press by Roland Sweet. Authentication on demand.
