AMY ALKON
THEADVICEGODDESS
Extreme meekover
Women always insist they’re looking for a “nice guy,” but they waste no time running past one to get to a jerk/bad boy. It really seems they’re drawn to guys who treat them badly. My most egotistical friends score with women like crazy, and I’m a nice guy who’s alone. If my experience is any indication, what women really want are domineering users who have sex with them and toss them aside. —Nice And Tired Of It
Self-proclaimed nice guys are often not nice at all but overly nice — snakes in worm’s clothing driven by crushing wimpiness, fear and desperation. Instead of taking the straightforward approach to hitting on a woman, the so-called nice guy offers to do a bunch of chores for her — not out of the goodness of his wimpy little heart but to bribe her into wanting him. This guy not only finishes last, he gets left holding the broom.
“Nice” versus “jerk”/”bad boy” is actually an oversimplification. NYU personality psychologist Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman has been digging into the nuances, which he laid out in his talk at an evolutionary psychology conference I attended in April at SUNY-Binghamton.
Kaufman described the classic jerk as “narcissistic, selfish, thrill-seeking and chauvinistic. He cited research that suggests a whole lot of us find narcissists highly likeable at first. But, in the research, those who initially found the narcissists charismatic, well-adjusted, and fun saw their true colors upon further interaction (recognizing them for the self-obsessed, groupieseeking, manipulative creeps they actually are).
Regarding your contention that women want “domineering” men, Kaufman laid out research that shows they actually want men who are “assertive” as opposed to “dominant.” What’s the difference? Well, a guy who says to his date, “We’ve got to leave right now” as opposed to tying her up and throwing her in the trunk.
Kaufman summed up his talk by describing the ideal man as strong without being aggressive and demanding, and sensitive without being meek, wimpy, or submissive. He described this man as “the Prestigious Man,” and gave George Clooney as an example. This sort of man is confident, achievement-oriented and extroverted while also being caring, generous and helpful. Kaufman emphasized that kindness and assertiveness aren’t mutually exclusive, and having both in one man is especially important to women. He also noted that the Prestigious Man has genuine self-esteem, based on his accomplishments (as opposed to the blustery “Look at me!” self-esteem of the notso-nice guy).
So, the answer for you and other nice guys is…become George Clooney? No, nor should you start hitting on women with “Hi! I’d like to have sex with you and throw you away like used Kleenex!” But, think about where a guy who might say that is coming from. He’s having fun, shaking things up. He isn’t living in fear of rejection. And he doesn’t take rejection as a statement of his worth, just a sign that it’s time to go offend the next girl.
What you need to do is borrow from the bad boy’s successful tactics. You won’t transform yourself overnight, but you can work on being more self-assured, and until you start to feel it, do your best to act self-assured. To ramp up your Prestigious Man/Clooneyness, Kaufman suggests you do something socially valuable, something to help humanity. As a bonus, if there’s one place you’re less likely to find narcissistic, self-serving jerks competing with you for the ladies, it’s the volunteer world.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or e-mail her at [email protected] (www.advicegoddess.com). © Copyright 2009 Amy Alkon
