Learning to love yourself first
All love begins with self-love.
Having value, appreciation and kindness of oneself allows for the reflection of those sentiments to be shared with others. The importance of self-love lies within the need to take care of ourselves – physically, emotionally and spiritually.
In growth, we act in more mature ways that deepen our self-awareness and give personal meaning to our lives. While selflove is dynamic, it also exists by giving and sharing it with others. It isn’t to be confused with self-centeredness or narcissism, which both grow from selfishness and insecurity. Self-love is respect and awareness of oneself, and may sometimes need to be learned in order to grow, establish healthy relationships and develop adaptive coping skills to deal with difficult times.
The idea of self-love is tied up in also having self-worth. Oftentimes, some may think that self-worth and self-esteem are synonymous, but there are many distinct differences. Self-esteem gears more toward external value and tangible goals, accomplishments and the way others perceive us, whereas self-worth is more internal, involving the sense of having meaningful purpose, belonging and value. Self-esteem may be the car, but self-worth is the engine.
Learning to love oneself is multifaceted and takes careful consideration, time and patience. If having self-worth and love is a quality missing, it may be beneficial to begin with a self-assessment. Identifying the negative messages and ideas that exist within will be helpful in rebuilding a more positive self- and worldview. Having a poor view of oneself and little self-love opens the door for toxic relationships and mental health issues such as depression. Recognizing the self-defeating and demoralizing messages that one may hold in connection with shortcomings or struggles, and replacing them with more realistic, rational and affirmative words is a positive step in building self-worth.
When those automatic negative messages become part of a pattern, negative behaviors tend to follow. In replacing those thoughts in order to effect change in behavior, building self-love can be influenced by getting in touch with what is needed rather than what is wanted. Having the ability to ask for what we need, and staying in tune with what will promote strength and resilience, instead of gravitating simply to what feels good, can allow for growth and break old patterns.
As is now known, a crucial part in selflove is having proper self-care. Always important is physical health – adequate nutrition, exercise and healthy sleep habits. Additionally, taking care of oneself includes reaching out and having positive social interactions, as well as intimacy and enjoying daily activities that add balance to our lives. Practicing good self-care means nurturing both the body and the mind, as well as the spirit. It means protecting ourselves and setting boundaries. An important way of protecting oneself is by assessing the people in our life – do they share the positive well-being and love that you’re after? Do they add or take away from your happiness? Connecting with other genuine and authentic people will foster self-respect and allow for the continual growth of self-love.
A key word in learning to love yourself is balance. Balance in work and play, and in taking care of ourselves and others. Setting boundaries with any facet of life that may disrupt your physical or emotional well-being is a positive and healthy way to self-care and protect. Creating boundaries in relationships is not putting up walls or shutting someone out, on the contrary, it is an effort to preserve the relationship and protect both parties.
Achieving self-love and building selfworth ultimately encompass having awareness and acceptance of who we are – in every capacity. Accepting our mistakes, failures, weaknesses and flaws must be done in an unconditional manner, meaning that there can be no stipulation on how or when we love ourselves. By focusing on acceptance, this negates the judgement many have on themselves, it interrupts the sometimes harsh and unrelenting inner critic that prevents growth and worth. Part of this process is being able to forgive – others as well as ourselves. Forgiveness and easing up on internalized criticism promotes acceptance, love and understanding.
Should learning to love yourself seem impossible, and efforts made feel ineffective, it may be helpful to seek out professional help from a counselor or other mental health professional. By making the decision to reach out for help (and in effect, asking for what you need), a positive step has already been made in beginning self-care, lighting the path toward a more accepting and loving self.
