A consulting physician is the doctor they call to share the blame.

Count on it. Nothing can hold liquor as well as a bottle.

A boss is the guy when you’re early to work comes in late, and when you, are late he’s early.

Sign in gift shop: “For the man who has everything ... a calendar to remind him when payments are due.” 

The reason a man’s hair turns grey before his whiskers ... it has a 20-year start.

Helen: “Has your boyfriend’s English improved any?” May: “No, he still ends every question with a proposition.”