Fighting breast cancer together

A cancer diagnosis affects not only the patient but also the spouse or partner.

Beyond the illness itself, financial stress and changes in the partners’ roles may affect the relationship. Despite these additional difficulties, a study published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology and supported by a research grant from the Canadian Breast Cancer Research Alliance found that 42 percent of 282 couples dealing with breast cancer found that undergoing the experience together actually brought them closer together as a couple.

Brenda Pierce, is a certified nurse navigator for the CHRISTUS Breast Center in Shreveport, a position in which she explains and guides patients through their treatment process, schedules and communicates each step of treatment and provides a consistent point of contact for the patient.

Pierce said, “The stressors of a serious illness in a relationship can be daunting – emotionally, as well as financially draining. Often though, the stressors can actually strengthen a relationship.

“Everyone needs that person they can say, ‘I couldn’t have got through this without her/him.’ Be that person. Keep your own friendships and activities, though. Get someone else to come by and visit with her, watch a movie or take her to an appointment. You have to have a break, and she probably will need a break from you also occasionally.”

Pierce said, “The best way to support a partner with breast cancer is just to be there; it sounds trite, but it’s true. Just knowing someone if she or he needs to fall apart, cry, be angry, etc., is a big help. Just be someone that will listen and not judge her emotions. Go to doctor appointments with her, make a list of questions that both of you may have for the doctor. Do your research. Find out all you can about her particular type of breast cancer. Don’t say, ‘Let me know if I can do anything.’ Just do it. Run errands, pick up kids from school, go to the grocery store, clean the bathrooms, etc. All of these genuine gestures mean more than a card or flowers.”

Pierce said, “Allow her to cry, laugh, scream – whatever she feels like doing on that particular day. Offer to go to a support group with her. CHRISTUS Breast Center has a support group the fourth Thursday of every month; spouses and friends are welcome.

There are also support groups available for caregivers. Talk with the social worker and the nurse navigator at your hospital; they can direct you to community resources. Local and national organizations have funding just for financial needs of cancer patients.”

The Susan B. Komen Foundation advises that spouses of breast cancer sufferers can provide emotional support to their partner in the following ways:

• Spend quality time together when she can have your undivided attention.

• Ask her to truthfully tell you her needs and wants – what she wants and does not want.

• Listen without judging or trying to come up with answers or solutions.

• Reassure her of your continued love.

• Provide empathy. Pay attention and ask questions.

• Provide acceptance and assurance.

• Allow your partner to be herself and express her feelings.

• Seek information about your spouse’s condition to foster understanding and help make informed decisions.

• If there are children, tend to their needs and keep them each informed in a way appropriate to their age and maturity.

• Field questions and requests from family and friends, having asked your partner how much information they want to share, to whom to share it and respecting her wishes.

• Remember not to neglect your own needs. If you are the caregiver and you end up ill, the stressors will build even more. Continue or begin an exercise program. In fact, offer to exercise with your partner (even just a walk around the block); it will benefit both of you. Try to handle the financial concerns without burdening your partner with money concerns – make a budget, talk to a financial counselor, social worker, etc.

• Allow your partner to focus on her health needs and not make her feel guilty about what everything will cost. Keep good records of co-pays, prescription costs, deductibles. Medical expenses can be tax-deductible. Offer to keep track of all the insurance claims. This can be a full-time job in itself.

• Allow your partner to vent all her emotions. She needs to know that she can fall apart and be angry around you. The most important thing to know is that cancer affects an entire family; let her know she is not alone and that you are hurting, too. Let her know she is still attractive to you – that you love all her scars – both the emotional and the physical ones.