Why do parents shy away from using it?

FAMILY LOVE

Do kids need to hear it more often? Reasons some parents give for leaving the word “No” out of their vocabulary: • “I am away at work most of the day. When I am with my child, I don’t want to be fighting with him, so I let him have his way.”

• “I am tired when I get home from work, and I just don’t have the energy to have a battle with my child, so I leave off the word ‘No’ to keep the peace.”

• “I occasionally say ‘No,’ but I do want to make my child have good self-esteem. Saying ‘No’ too much may make him feel badly about himself.”

A lot of parents say they don’t want to endure their child’s “meltdowns,” so they would rather give in to their wants rather than endure the “trauma-drama.” Whatever the reason, the word “No” seems to have disappeared in many homes, and it could be having a negative effect on the children in those homes.

So we ask the question, “Are there benefits for children who have parents who set boundaries and don’t give in to all their children’s demands?” Or is it best to take the easy route and avoid using the word “No”?

Children really do benefit if their parents set boundaries and don’t give in to their whining and acting out if told “No” from time to time. If a child is not ever told “No,” they will not learn to delay gratification; they will not learn how to deal with frustration and disappointment (saying “No” once in a while will give them practice in dealing with disappointment and frustration). It will help them in the years to come, if a parent doesn’t give in to what they want all the time.

So the question is, “Do parents need to dust the word ‘No’ off and bring it back into their vocabularies and use it in their children’s everyday lives?” The answer is “Yes” when the demand is not good for the child and when a parent allows the demand just because it is easier to say “Yes” than “No.’ For whatever the reason a parent has for leaving “No” out of their vocabulary, it can have a negative effect on children when it is not in the best interest of the child.

When children hear the word ‘No,’ does it help or hinder their self-esteem, help or hinder their determination to get things done, help or hinder their being confident to try new things? “No” is the answer; it may do the opposite.

If a child never hears the word “No,” he may believe that he can do anything he wants, have anything he desires and have no regard for anyone else but himself.

But what about the word “Yes”?

Is this word just as important for a child to hear? It is fact that children should hear the word “Yes” a lot more than the word “No.” A parent should not say “No” just to say “No”; there should be a valid reason.

Why is it so important to create clear boundaries and rules for our children? Children are in the process of learning – learning what they can do and what they can’t do – learning what the rules are – learning if their parent means “No” when they say “No” or learning if they can push their parents until they get a “Yes” if they throw a “fit.”

Children are trying to figure out the extent of their reach – what the rules of enforcement are – what is OK and what is not OK? Does “No” sometimes mean “Yes”? They can’t figure it out unless there is a clear boundary. So when parents say “No,” their child will learn what he can do and what he can’t do.

A child feels more secure and selfassured if he knows his parents love him enough to say “No” when it is in his best interest.

Learning will not happen if the child always gets what he wants. Kids who aren’t given clear boundaries or always get what they want often have trouble playing nicely with others and have a hard time socializing. They have a hard time keeping friends, a hard time interacting in groups, a hard time taking turns. They want what they want when they want it.

What if I want to change my mind on what I have just said “No” to? It is OK every once in a while, but the less the better. If a child suspects he can persuade you to change your mind more than not, you are opening the door for debates on each and every issue.

Is there an easier way to say “No”? One way is to try telling your child what they can do instead of what they can not do. You may say, “You have a choice. You can do ______ or you can do ______.”

In reality, parents and children are growing at the same time in their relationship with one another. As parents become more assured of the decisions they make about their children, children become more confident of who they are and how they are supposed to be. Having good reasons and motives behind saying “Yes” or “No” will help seal the parent/child relationship. Telling your child, “I love you too much to let you …” “God gave me the responsibility to guide you in the best way; I am trying to do just that.”

Of course, a preschooler just needs to be guided in the right direction and have negative behavior stopped. Explaining whys will not register with this age group.

Happy parenting! “Yes” or “No”?

Dianne Glasgow is a family and child specialist at the LSU AgCenter in Caddo Parish.

She can be reached at [email protected].