"I don’t want you to take this the wrong way,” my husband said as he took a swig of beer to wash down his second piece of pizza. I should have known better, but I forged on, still heady from the fact we had finally gotten away alone for a weekend. As we relaxed in a sports bar, we enjoyed pizza, wings and a rich queso sauce with chips while watching the Astros on the incredibly large screens surrounding us.

“No, go ahead,” I said sweetly. Heck, I can take criticism just as well as the next girl. “What’s on your mind?” Reassured, he smiled at me and said, “You need to get your walk back!” Yes, crickets actually chirped as I sat there with my mouth hanging open. I had just bopped across the room, I thought, with a spring in my step, and he had taken my picture for my Facebook profile that I was certain made me look a good 10 years younger than I really am. I had to face the facts, however, when later that week we returned home, and my own mother said, “That wasn’t your best picture.”

When I looked at her incredulously, she added, “Well, you normally look really good,” with the unspoken “you just don’t now” hanging in the air.

With loved ones like this who needs enemies notwithstanding, reality finally hit me. My favorite boutique hadn’t changed their sizing, and my clothes hadn’t mysteriously shrunk because of repeated washings. (Who am I kidding? I don’t even do laundry often enough for that, anyway). I had put on a good 15 pounds over the last year.

No problem. I’ve lost weight before.

In fact, I’m really good at losing weight. We are so fortunate to live in a time where science can help us separate the facts from the fibs in the multi-billion dollar weight-loss industry. I have the proven tricks in my arsenal to lose weight effectively. I immediately got busy on the most important one: Making my lists.

Oh, I’m good at making lists. I have accumulated so much knowledge over the years, and one of my secrets is that nothing works without a plan – particularly shedding pounds. My husband walked by munching on an Oreo as I was into my third list, which was a shopping list for ingredients that he’s seen before: almonds, walnuts, pistachios, six kinds of cheese, lettuce, turkey, turkey bacon, ground turkey, salmon in a pouch, sugar-free Jello.

“What are you trying to lose weight for?” he asked. Apparently, the chirping crickets followed him home from our vacation. I ignored him and got back to my list.

I’ve always had good results with the South Beach Diet, which promotes healthy fats and carbs vs. refined carbs and sugars. Yes, South Beach may be a bit antiquated in the weight-loss world, but aren’t they all really just the same diet now? South Beach, Paleo, Ketogenic, the New Atkins ... whatever. They all eliminate most carbs in the first two weeks. I did briefly consider Paleo, thinking the exotic name might make it seem more like a Latin lover than a restrictive eating plan. I could see flipping my hair and turning down invitations over the phone with “No, I’m sorry, Darling. Can’t make it. Paleo and I are staying in tonight – oh, Paleo, STOP!” (giggle). Instead, I decided to go with the tried and true, trusted best friend that has been in and out of my life for the past 12 years: the South Beach Diet.

One thing I love about South Beach is you don’t have to count calories or portions. I’m terrible at portions. If Ben & Jerry are seriously suggesting their ice cream serves four people, then why do they package it into a carton that perfectly fits into my little hand? And those new Dove dark chocolate-covered cranberries? OMG! How can cranberries be fattening? They’re fruit, for crying out loud. And dark chocolate is full of monounsaturated fat (MUFAs, to those in the nutrition world), just like avocados. They come in a handy single serving-size bag that, upon closer inspection, has four servings. Why does the entire packaged food industry assume I have an intimate circle of friends that likes to snack with me on a regular basis? Sorry, but once that bag is open, it’s only a matter of time, and it’s usually empty in 10 minutes.

The reason calorie counting is not necessary on South Beach is because chocolate and even cranberries aren’t allowed on the most restrictive Phase I, which lasts about two weeks. Oh, you can have cocoa because its low glycemic-index assures it won’t cause cravings, but even the cranberries might cause you to crave sugar and cave back into your old eating habits. Besides, as appetizing as it sounds, I could never eat cocoa from a spoon.

What I do know about weight loss, both from research and my own personal experience, is that the best way to do it is by resetting my body so that my own metabolism and immune system work with me instead of against me. But it’s such a complex set of things you have to do to make that happen.

For obsessive-compulsive people such as myself – OK, I might not rinse out Ziploc bags and hang them all around my house to dry or eat a pound of cornstarch every day, but trust me, I am OCD by mere degrees – the human diet is all about human behavior and tricking out the mind. Only thing is, my mind is smarter than me.

Take that package of Oreos sitting in the drawer. I never eat Oreos. I don’t even like them, but nothing makes me crave one more than placing it on the “cannot eat list.”

So I have to ask the question about what my real goals are here. Am I trying to “get my walk back” or look fab in my Facebook pics? Or am I trying to get my health back so my body is my friend again? Do I intend to live my life choking down only bland foods, or do I want some balance where the fiber and protein I eat keep me from feeling ravenous all the time? When will food taste good again?

So I set out eliminating the refined carbs and sugars of all kinds from my diet just to get rid of the cravings and get into the habit of eating healthy salads and vegetables again, cooked in healthy fats like olive oil. And whenever I encountered a craving for something not on my list, like pasta, I made a mock pasta using the substitution game. I browned some hamburger and substituted chunky onions, garlic, peppers, zucchini and mushrooms for the spaghetti and slathered it in a healthy marinara sauce with lots of cheese. I ate it with a spoon, and I really didn’t miss the refined pasta.

I managed to stick to the plan pretty well, while switching to some rather unorthodox eating habits. By Week 2, when my husband brought home leftover pizza from the office (OK, those crickets were stalking him now), I didn’t miss a beat as I scooped off the cheese and toppings and sat down with a knife and fork to dig in.

It was somewhere near the end of the second week, when the Oreo craving had set in hard, that I found myself huddled in front of the television set with a bowl of cocoa and a spoon, my face smeared with powder like a scene from “Scarface.” It wasn’t my fault. It was when a Facebook “friend” had shared a post with some sort of Oreo-Reese’s Cup-Heathbar- Hostess Cupcake-Jello Pudding-Ice Cream Trifle that I could make at home in five easy steps that I really lost it. I’m not going to lie. I missed the Oreos and the Reese’s Cups and the Heath Bars and the cupcakes and the pudding and the ice cream. So instead, I headed to Walgreens for a $6 package of Dove chocolate-covered cranberries, which is what I really wanted in the first place. I ate the whole bag.