Parenting is hard, which, to many, may be an understatement. The irony? We live in a world where men like Republican vice-presidential candidate JD Vance condemn women for not having children, all without offering realistic policy proposals to make being a parent easier.

U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy is confirming what many of the 63 million parents with children under 18 already feel: Their stress is at an all-time high. The Aug. 28 advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents detailed how some of the top stressors for parents include economic instability, concerns over children’s health and safety, parental loneliness and difficulty managing social media.

As a result, Murthy’s “calling for a fundamental shift in how we value and prioritize the mental health and well-being of parents.” He also outlined “policies, programs and individual actions we can all take to support parents and caregivers.”

But the advisory doesn’t specifically mention the different demographic concerns of Black and brown communities. So, we wanted to know what Black parents are concerned about and if it is different than non-Black parents.

What Black moms say

Alexia McKay is a 34-year-old publicist and journalist in Tampa.

With a 16-month-old daughter and now eight months pregnant with another girl on the way, she struggles with balancing parenthood and her professional career.

Oftentimes, she says, time for herself is limited and it’s more challenging to rest and reset.

“I deal with a lot of anxiety, feeling overwhelmed and burnt out, because I haven’t mastered that balance. It can lead to feelings of loneliness. There are times where I feel like no one understands,” McKay says. “I hate when people say, ‘You’ll be all right.’ Instead … help me come up with solutions to get through this period.”

With her second on the way, she’s learning to be more vocal about her needs and advocate for herself, and to accept help when it’s offered. She credits her parents, partner and her “village” for being her biggest supporters. With self-care in mind, she tries to wake up earlier to schedule alone time for herself, which gives her time to meditate and eat breakfast before her daughter wakes up.

“Writing and working on my own professional goals gives me a euphoric release,” she says. “There are some days I just rest. I love baths, like, a lot. Since being pregnant, the love for baths has amplified.”

But she admits she is worried about her second birth.

Black women in the U.S. have the highest maternal mortality rate of any racial or ethnic group. This makes them three times more likely than white women to die from a pregnancy-related cause, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. And Black newborn babies who are looked after by white doctors are three times more likely to die than when cared for by Black doctors.

With a due date of Oct. 21, McKay says the doula she had for her first pregnancy will be by her side for her second delivery. And with a hospital birth planned, it’s important for her to have advocates in the room who can speak up for her if she can’t speak for herself.

“It’s important for me to listen to my body and be vocal if something doesn’t feel right,” she says about how she plans to handle her second birth. “Nobody knows your body like you do, some doctors will just brush you off. Pressure the doctors to pay attention.”

Racine Henry, 39, is a psychotherapist in New York City and clinical assistant professor at the Family Institute at Northwestern University. With a 9-year-old girl named Silver, Henry and her husband worry about how much of the current political climate is appropriate to share with their daughter.

With Jamaican roots, Henry says, she grew up knowing more about Jamaican history than American history. But her husband, who is African American, is more reserved about exposing Silver to social justice issues.

“I’m more of the mindset of telling her everything, answering all of her questions and not hiding things or sugar-coating things,” Henry says. “Our cultures are very different. We’ve had a lot of conversations about how we impart both of our cultures onto her. Talking about race and racial issues is prevalent in the Jamaican community.”

As parents, Henry says, they try to instill in Silver that while she is a Black girl, which can mean different things to different people, her racial identity should only be seen as a positive. As a result, their daughter has a lot of Black pride and will often tell Henry she loves her brown skin and being Jamaican.

“My primary stressor is that Silver dresses in a more androgynous way,” she says about her daughter, who prefers to wear baggy clothes, sweatpants and dreadlocks. “I don’t know if it’s safer for people to think she’s a boy or a girl, because people assume she’s a boy.”

There have been instances on sports teams or with men when people assumed Henry’s daughter was a boy. And in a Jamaican community, she says, it can be a big deal to be seen as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community. Wrestling with the potential danger Silver could be in if she’s either misidentified as a boy or hurt for simply existing as a little Black girl drives a lot of stress for Henry.

“I’m trying to think about how to keep her safe without scaring her or making her live in fear, but also wanting her to be aware of the reality of white supremacy and racism,” Henry says. “It evokes a lot of anxiety for me.”

While in public, Henry finds herself making it known that her daughter is a girl, despite Silver’s appearance leaning towards being more boy-like. At times, women will look at Silver like she doesn’t belong when she goes into the bathroom with Henry. As a parent, Henry says while she doesn’t know what her daughter’s future gender may be, it boils down to keeping her safe.

“I have a hypersensitivity of trying to gauge what someone else is thinking about her, and correcting that,” Henry says. “My anxiety is about her safety and making sure she’s comfortable and not so much about other people’s comfort.”

What the data says

Parents like McKay and Henry are not alone in their concerns.

In a 2022 survey by What to Expect a majority of the more than 3,200 women who were pregnant or had a child 0 to 8 years old reported high rates of experiencing the pressure to be perfect. Among Gen Z moms, 83% said it’s overwhelmingly important to be a perfect parent.

In 2023, 33% of parents reported high levels of stress in the past month, compared to 20% of other adults. Additionally, in a 2021 survey cited by the U.S. surgeon general’s advisory, 77% of single parents reported feeling lonely, where only 65% of parents and guardians experienced loneliness.

Other top concerns for parents are that their children may struggle with mental health issues or experience bullying. And nearly three-quarters of parents say school shootings, or the possibility of one, are significant sources of stress.

But data doesn’t always capture the full story.

Non-Black parents, Henry says, don’t have the same concern about their child’s physical safety due to race or racial identity.

“My child is a brown-skinned Black girl and my concerns about her safety are echoed by all the social, political things that happen on a regular basis to Black people,” she says. “That layer of stress is very, very different, and it’s part of what makes our experience as Black people unique.”

What’s missing and what can be done

What the advisory also doesn’t mention is how systemic racism, historical barriers and inequities have left marginalized communities with higher rates of trauma, loss and bias. Vic Armstrong, vice president for health equity at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, says these mental health challenges have largely gone unsupported and unaddressed.

“African American and Black communities continue to be marginalized in mental health research and face disproportionate inequities in accessing care, support and services needed to improve outcomes,” he says in an email interview. “Policymakers can better support the mental health and well-being of Black parents through the three-digit 988 suicide and crisis lifeline number.”

The advisory calls for more involvement from policymakers, community leaders, the health care system and employers to help support parents. But the investment in these proposals can take years to implement, and even longer to have any lasting effect, which can leave parents feeling like they are solely responsible for fixing the problem.

“A lot of the change that the advisory is asking for is change that will take a long time … to go into effect,” says Robin Hilmantel, senior director of editorial strategy and growth at What to Expect. “In the meantime, I think one very powerful thing you can do … is try to connect with other parents and build your own support system.”

Although building a village won’t happen overnight, she says, joining mom meet-up groups in the neighborhood or on social media can offer additional support. When Hilmantel had her first son, she connected with acquaintances she initially didn’t know well but was able to bond with over the shared experience of new motherhood.

“Knowing you’re not alone is so powerful and can help prevent feelings of isolation,” she says. “There’s a lot of misinformation out there — it can help to sift through information with someone who has a similar experience.”

Avoid nostalgia, connect and ask for help

As parents, everyone interviewed in this story offered nuggets of advice for other current and expecting parents. And if you don’t have children, there are also ways you can support those with children.

In a couple of months, McKay will have two children under 2. She admits that at times, she finds herself desiring the life she had pre-kids. But she reminds herself and others to not dwell on that because that can lead to feelings of depression.

“That life is gone and never coming back. I wrestled with that for a while,” she says. “But I’m in a new season. I’m a mom now. So how can I take those elements from my previous chapter and incorporate them into my life? To be completely honest, I’m still somewhat searching for that.”

Every parent has their good days and bad days, she says, but she’s found it helpful to receive phone calls, visits and practical help around the house. She encourages others to not be afraid to ask for help, because, she says, “You can’t do it all.”

Find safe spaces and a therapist

Armstrong emphasizes the importance of parents and caregivers safeguarding their mental health. He offers a few simple steps: Turn to the people in your life who are supportive, who can listen and provide a safe space to discuss what you’re feeling; advocate for mental health policies; and get support from a therapist.

To cope with her anxiety, Henry says, she doesn’t shy away from mental health care services. “I’m a therapist who goes to therapy myself,” she says. In her family, they speak openly about mental health and consider it a regular part of conversation and self-care. And she strongly believes in creating space for emotional well-being which is something that she shares openly with her daughter.

“My hope for Silver is that she never has to heal from something that somebody else caused to her. I hope she remains as confident, loving and funny as she is,” Henry says. “My hope for myself is that I continue to do better self-care.”

This piece was published Sept. 3, 2024, in wordInblack.com.