I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, don’t forget to place your vote when you visit the polling ballot place come Tuesday, May 8, ’cause here’s one more chance to play pretendkingmaker and grant the chosen guys and gals the power to dick with the way things are, from in your neighborhood to across our once-prettymuch-great state, what the fock.
Which reminds me that I can’t pony up much of an essay for you’s this week on account that the other day I finally declared my declaration to be your next governor; so I’ve got a full focking platter seeing as how I’ve only got about a couple, three days of hobnobbing available to be financed with a campaign war chest that amounts to about a buck two-eighty plus a dollar-off coupon for dry cleaning from a joint that’s gone out of business, I kid you not.
So I’m searching through the Badgerland media for any mention of my self-ballyhooed candidacy to replace Gov. Snidely Whiplash and I stumble across a front-page headline that states this: “State job losses worst in U.S.”
WhaaaatT??? Wasn’t our Eagle Scout governor supposed to be well on his way to creating 250,000 extra brand-spanking new jobs by now— not including the five-six-ten beautician positions state-employed and on-call for hair-spray duty whenever our bubble-bouffant-headed lieutenant governor takes a stage and camera to spout some Christian family-value claptrap?
In fact, seems some kind of government bureaucracy called the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics says that America’s Dairyland is the only state in the whole goddamn union to have lost jobs indeed from March 2011 to March 2012. That’s right: The only state in the whole goddamn union to have lost jobs, they do declare.
Kind of sucks, don’t it? But I continue my media search for any mention of my baffling absence of attention in today’s public-state political arena, and I came across one of those back-page slow-news-day bullshit stories about some kind of Education Department report reporting that many of our American school-age rocket scientists “are unable to write effectively” and have “trouble making their point in writing.” Should I care? Hey, anybody wonder if maybe these kids didn’t have a focking “point” to make in the first place, for crying out loud?
And even if they did, who cares? This report I read about seemed to be most bugged by the notion that our future Einsteins were deficient up-the-jock-and-back “in the ability to write persuasively.” Now, that is a tough tittie ’cause from what other source but our young people are we to go for informative and convincing reportage on topics like, “Who’s More Bitching: Xbox or PlayStation?,” “The Supermodel I Whack Off About Most Often and You Should, Too” and “Why My Dad’s An Asshole.”
Yeah yeah, this focking waste-of-time report finds that poor study habits result in poor writing skills. Really? Who would’ve thunk, ain’a? And it goes on to whine that kids can’t write ’cause they’re too busy watching too much TV. OK Mr. Smarty-Pants report, then I’m saying they’re not watching too much TV—they’re watching the wrong TV. I’m saying if we were really concerned about our kids’ harmony with the tenor of our times, that our local TV news shows—instead of running B.S. for old farts like the latest in neighborhood block watches, Humane Society kittens and where to save a focking penny on a goddamn gallon of gasoline—ought to run more stuff about bitching supermodels and how to stay out all night without getting caught; ought to run stuff our kids would watch on the TV news so that they, too, could become informed citizens like the rest of us.
Personally, I don’t view this report about how suck-ass our kids are at writing as necessarily bad news. In fact, to a guy in my position, it’s darn good news. If kids can’t write their way out of a paper bag, it lessens the chance and increases the odds that some whipper-snapping snot-eater with a multicultural tale to tell could waltz into this newspaper and set up shop in place of me, what the fock.
So, I got to go and start riding that ol’ lonesome campaign trail. Instead of job loss, how ’bout we try “job replacement,” as in Art Kumbalek replacing Snidely Whiplash as your guv. The gig now pays $144,423 each and every year, and I can seriously use that kind of dough, I kid you not.
As Gov. Kumbalek, first order of business will be to triple taxes for all Waukesha County Republicans who elect election officials that can’t count. This increased revenue will be used to hire a boatload of new public school teachers statewide and to raise the salaries of the teachers we already got. Our children’s future depends on this, you betcha.
“Friendly faces everwhere, humble folks without temptation,” that’s my motto ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek, and I told you so.