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Boulder Weekly is published every Thursday. No portion may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher..

Classy banks
The uber-rich, of course, are used to such coddling, but now a class of customers that bankers have dubbed the “mass affluent” get cookies, too. Think you might qualify? You do ... if you have a minimum of $500,000 to open one of these mass-affluent accounts.

Letters l Danish and his cave
The March 22 story “Taste-trepreneurs” incorrectly described the way in which Life Opening processes its cacao beans. The cacao beans are not soaked or germinated. Rather, they are dried at low temperatures. Therefore, they are “alive” and keep all of their available nutrients.

It’s time to talk about rape
In October, it will have been 20 years since I wrote my first Uncensored column. The subject of that column was sexual assault, a topic that I’ve covered again and again. The column was written in response to a series of ignorant letters to the editor written about rape by men from the Boulder community.

quotes
—Retired U.S. Navy Capt. Don Walsh, regarding film director James Cameron’s successful 6.8-mile deep trip to the Mariana Trench in the Pacific, the lowest point in the ocean.

In case you missed it | Pat Roberston sees the light
Robertson saying he’s now a hero to the hippie culture? Was he high? He soon returned to his usual form, however, when he addressed the issue of the Denver Broncos signing Peyton Manning and dumping Tim Tebow. Apparently referring to his holiness, Mr. Tebow, Robertson suggested that if Manning got injured this season, it would serve the Broncos right.

Behind closed doors
It’s been 70 years since the Allied Chemical Company first obtained a license to store radioactive and heavy metal contamination at Valmont Butte.

Audit critical of BVSD’s special ed program
Indeed, many of the “systemic noncompliance and necessary corrective actions” identified in the Feb. 9 audit from the Colorado Department of Education (CDE) are related to incomplete documentation.

Penny wise
Since losing his eyesight, becoming asthmatic and contracting chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder, Celias’ life has been a constant battle to survive. He has lived in seedy motels surrounded by drug dealers and shootings. His life savings were stolen from his bank account after he failed to realize his checkbooks were missing.

Environmental engineers
The car, named F-CAT, or Fastest Car at Track, is the result of five years of work by various teams of seniors in the engineering program. The first team came up with the design, and each year the new team selected for the project makes improvements.

eco-briefs | Consumers see through greenwashing
According to a recent article on the Marketplace website, “American consumers expect companies to address the full environmental impact of a product’s lifecycle, from the impacts associated with manufacturing the product (90 percent), to using it (88 percent), to disposing of it (89 percent).

Running full circle
Vigil is the only man to have won four straight Sierre-Zinal mountain races, a 32-kilometer course through Switzerland. He’s also won the Cleveland Marathon three times, competed in U.S. Olympic Marathon Trials, won a 100-mile stage race in Algeria in 1989 and was a National 25K Masters Champion in the Old Kent River Run in 1995.

Got a dream?
The American Alpine Club has launched a series of “Live Your Dream Grants” to support climbers with ambitions for their own improvement and experiences as climbers.

Race Across America documentary on bicycling the country screens at Dairy Center for the Arts
The Race Across America route crosses 3,000 miles from coast to coast, Oceanside, Calif., to Annapolis, Md., with 170,000 feet of climbing. Solo racers have 12 days to complete the course. The distance they’ll ride is half again as long as the Tour de France, completed with no rest.

Flee!
He describes the thing as the consummate predator, unencumbered by delusions of morality or mercy, unlikeable and un-killable, the perfect organism..

Coughing up something nasty
But behind the facade of success, Doughty was seething. Struggles with his bandmates over songwriting rights and other clashes became a force that pushed him into deep and heavy drug use, withering his doughy frame to a mere 135 pounds. He quit the band, got clean and embarked on a solo career.

Taking out the thrash
“We started from the ground up, and when it blew up we were already working on our third record,” says frontman Tony Foresta, who started the band with guitarist Ryan Waste. “We were like, ‘What? We’ve already been here! You guys are a little bit late.

Boulder Symphony comes full circle
Having travelled through several other communities, the county’s community orchestra is back in Boulder with music director Devin Patrick Hughes. They will play “Transcendental Metamorphosis,” a concert featuring music of Charles Ives, Arvo Pärt, Brahms and Denver’s Conrad Kehn, at 7 p.

He came, he saw, he kvetched
Whiteside’s increasingly unwilling hosts are the Stanley family. Father Ernest ( Jim Porter) is a suc cessful businessman whose patience with Mr. Whiteside’s ever-more-onerous intrusion quickly dwindles. Wife and mother Daisy (Elaine Niesen) comports herself as a paragon of Midwestern civility, but she is utterly overmatched by Whiteside’s bluster.

Event calendar | Week of March 29, 2012
Climb On! Celebrate Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Month..

Arts l Week of March 29, 2012
Naropa University, Lincoln Gallery, 2130 Arapahoe Ave., Boulder, 303- 875-6879. Through May 15..

Theater l Week of March 29, 2012
Dinner Theater, 5501 Arapahoe Ave., Boulder, 303-449-6000..

Words l Week of March 29, 2012
Eben Weiss. 3 p.m. Boulder Book Store, 1107 Pearl St., Boulder, 303- 447-2074..

Dull expectations
Since their married friends have morphed into shrill shadows of their former selves, they wonder: Is it possible to bring children into your life without destroying the possibility of romance? Only one way to find out: Tackle the former without even a whiff of romantic expectation.

Remake worth watching
Jenko and Schmidt weren’t friends in high school, as we learn in the 2005-set prologue. Jenko was the jock triumphant and a lousy student, and Schmidt (sporting an impressive mouthful of braces) spent most of his waking hours being embarrassed by his parents.

Reel to Reel | Week of March 29, 2012
After the rescue of a kidnapped CIA operative leads to the discovery of a terrorist plot against the U.S., a team of Navy Seals is dispatched on a worldwide manhunt to foil the attack. Rated R. At Century, Colony Square and Twin Peaks. — Los Angeles Times/MCT.

Cooking l I first discovered Choux in Cooking with Pomaine,
Choux paste, for those who aren’t familiar, is French plaster made from flour, eggs, butter and milk or water, or both. And not only does it plug small holes in drywall, it also has a few uses in the kitchen, most notably, profiteroles — also known as “cream puffs” if you drive an electric-mobility scooter.

Dressing up your drinks for spring
My two favorites are cucumber and watermelon. They go really well together in a combination. I love cucumber in general — just the scent and the oils give you a really nice, refreshing, vibrant cocktail. Watermelon is my distant second, and they supposedly have really great health benefits like antioxidants.

A distinctive Indian lunch buffet
For those old enough, you may remember 1985 as a dark time, mostly because that’s when McDonald’s launched the McDLT. In today’s recycling-conscious age, the McDLT probably wouldn’t exist. For those of you unfamiliar with this environmental atrocity, this was a burger adorned with lettuce and tomato that came in a double-chambered Styrofoam container.

Tidbites l Centro's birthday
Centro’s executive chef, Ian Clark, will prepare a pig roast at 3 p.m., with live music from Mariachi Regional starting at 5 p.m. A donation of $25 for the all-you-can-eat pig barbecue is requested, and includes two drinks. Tickets will also be available for a chance to break piñatas containing candy, gift cards to Centro and coupons for Top Rope Lager.

Zucca Italian Ristorante 808 Main St., Louisville 303-666-6499
Available items range from a crisp, anise-scented fennel salad to a surprisingly flavorful interpretation of Chinese barbecued pork. Made-to-order fare includes taqueria-style Mexican street food and Asian noodles, highlighted by the Vietnameseinfluenced pho ga, a chicken and rice noodle soup.

Astrology l Week of March 29, 2012
“Go to the worst crimeinfested place you can find. Go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them, and in the loudest voice possible yell that every Crip and Blood within hearing distance is a PANSY.